Words are poor symbols of complex thoughts and feelings. Words are very limiting. Our vocabulary that is available for us to use does not allow us to fully express the concepts in our minds and the feelings in our hearts.

As we listen, our loved ones are struggling to convey what they are currently experiencing. They cannot fully express the explosion of ideas, the abstract concepts in their mind, and the emotions bursting inside of them. They want you to experience their experience.

The only way our loved ones can know if we are experiencing what they are, is by how descriptive we are in our reply. Simple replies like, “I understand” and “I get it,” lack enough descriptive power to demonstrate that you understand their complete experience. The speaker knows they did a poor job at conveying all their thoughts. They need to know what was missing in their attempts to convey meaning. They cannot know this, unless we are descriptive in our replies.

As we are listening, we are also experiencing an explosion of emotions and thoughts. Good relationships have never been formed on a foundation of selfishness. We would do well to first help our companion feel understood, before trying to convey our soul.

When people learn from a book or an instructor, they do not gain understanding by shouting at the book or yelling at the presenter. Likewise, if we calm ourselves while we listen, our understanding will come quickly. Our companion’s words might create a spring of emotions. Emotions, even the difficult ones, can be experienced in a state of physical calm.

There is very little in life that actually holds value. Everything in life decays and crumbles. Memories fade. Priorities change. The things that we hold most dear should be the constants in our lives, like those we love. If we put those that we love above differing opinions, we will be elevating the value of our companion above trivial decisions. Allowing our companion the benefit of making a decision that is different than our own, shows that we value them more than we value ourselves.

Growing happens at different rates. When we are in a relationship we get to watch the other person grow. This means that we will watch them make decisions that we know will end poorly. If the decision isn’t one that will cause them harm and they are insistent on making the decision, why not allow them the opportunity to grow from their mistakes? This is the same way that we learn. The growth of those we love is a value that we should elevate above efficiency.

When we feel understood we feel like all of the spinning wheals in our head suddenly stop and come together. Our emotions take on meaning. The smoke of our understanding clears and our view forward opens up. We feel connected to the person that understood us. In that moment, feeling understood IS the solution to our confusion. We can be that person for those we love.